A Parallax Life

A Parallax Life 

“ apparent shift caused by viewing an object from two different vantage points”

“the apparent displacement or the difference in apparent direction of an object as seen from two different points not on a straight line with the object.”

   The trip from Great Inagua Island to the Dry Tortguas is not especially unusual but there are numerous hazards that can destroy even the best laid plans for the solo sailor during the passage. After days of rationing water,hiding from the blazing tropical sun and humidity, my body and mind were spent. I wept like a child with a broken heart. This is our story…. two separate stories actually, parallax stories of Douglas and Victoria….. AMAB. Translation….. “Assigned Male at Birth”. Who can say what is really true….

   We are 52 years old but this is not something new to us. I’ve been unable to understand and explain to Victoria or myself our existence. If you choose to continue to read this story, do not judge me for telling my truth, and don’t stop reading until I have reached the end point of our journey. 

  I’m about four sitting in the bathtub with my older sister Alicia. Mom stands her to lift her from the bath and began drying her with a towel. Suddenly I blurted out “she doesn’t have a pee pee”.

Mom ignored me and finished with her and then sent her off to bed. I’m not exactly sure what happened next but I remember mom telling me that “I was a boy and to never say that I wanted to be a girl again… ever”. This is my FIRST memory that I remember and have never forgotten that moment. I was never again connected to my penis. It was something foreign and despicable to me….something absolutely horrible.  After days of rationing water,hiding from the blazing tropical sun and humidity, my body and mind were 

  Strangely, I never dwelled on being a girl, I just wanted to be rid of the penis. I wanted to be me, whatever that meant, but with no penis or testicles. I dreamed about being “smooth “ down there not thinking about how I would pee. At this early age,  the mental difference between boys and girls was not apparent to me. We were all just kids. Alicia was beautiful and 2 years older than me, but light years older in maturity. It’s remained that way ever since. I used to stare at her, just drinking in everything from the way she moved, looked, and smiled. My parents were also enamored with her, she was the special one who garnered most of the attention and the majority of love. 

As time progressed, I realized that I wanted to be her, not just like her, but inhabit her. Then the unexpected moment came when starting sixth grade, I was seated in the row next to Victoria Richards and thus began my journey forward. I was fixated on her body, the one without the penis, and most unexpectedly her presence of personality. She just radiated….

  Reality set in for reasons I am unaware of, and I was soon convinced that I couldn’t change things and I would need to be a boy forever. I was growing up with my dark secret and slowly stifling any kind of optimism that something magical would change me. Despite my innocence there were many times when I would do or say something that was feminine and mom would say “don’t be that way, be a man!” I couldn’t distinguish between being girlie or being masculine. Eventually it just became “don’t be that way “. About the time I reached eighth grade, my psyche was pretty normal. My thoughts never crossed the lines between masculinity and femininity anymore. I was just a young boy becoming a man. 

  Puberty was late arriving for me, not kicking in until I was nearly sixteen. Seems like most of my friends were getting pubic hair and hard-ons. I had two major growth spurts about a year apart. I was now sixteen, nearly six feet tall and weighed barely 150 pounds. Testosterone levels had to be low because my external sexual characteristics were not very noticeable. I was a pretty boy with my sister’s friends, who thought I was so cute, wanting to put makeup on me and fawning over my long eyelashes and flawless skin. Internally I knew that I couldn’t let anyone know that I was enjoying the attention and my secret girl inside was starting to flourish like never before. 

  Suddenly something magical did happen. My nipples were puffy and swollen. They were sore and very sensitive. I didn’t want to tell anyone especially my parents. Then one day I had just finished my shower, toweling off, and when I walked out mom asked me what was going on with my nipples. The next thing I knew I was going with her to the doctor for an examination. Internally I was flying high thinking about my growing breasts, I was going to have tits. Once again my secret girl was tired of hiding, she was really there and not just in my imagination. Nothing lasts forever, and the doctor explained that my male hormones were at work and my swollen little buds were only temporary. I was crushed. He said that I would soon be sprouting body hair and strong body odor. Mom said she wasn’t looking forward for those kind of things happening and was a little sad that she didn’t have another girl. The doctor just stood there mute. 

   My lifelong quandary was anxiety in every aspect of my life. I couldn’t understand how my gender identity was different from my sexual identity. I was sexually attracted to females but wanted to physically be a female. These terms were not known widely or even accepted and only became used until the last twenty years. I started couples therapy when my marriage was failing. Eventually I continued therapy sessions alone but was disappointed when I was diagnosed as homosexual. Confusion ran rampant throughout my brain. My therapist recommended that I try building a relationship with a man and trying out different sexual experiences. I failed miserably many times over several years. I just couldn’t develop any kind of a romantic connection with men. I’m still this way today even with all the progress in gender equality. 

Soon I was ready for Victoria to come to the surface and eventually to our very own personality. She is very passionate and powerful. A big change is the way we move through the world with more finesse, more surgically precise, as opposed to brute force. This result is due to the estradiol blue hormone pill 2mg twice a day powerfully correcting the years of testosterone. 

   Our eyes are tearing up quite often these days, not really crying but still sadness erupts. I guess it’s because of so many years of being stoic and not letting emotions flow freely. We are happy about the outcome. We began to transition starting with a diagnosis of gender dysphoria after nearly a year of therapy, on top of years of occasional therapy sessions. It would be another year when we started hormone therapy. It was immediately apparent that it was the right decision and no issues about waiting too long due to being old, nearly 56. Our 90 day milestone, we brought home a pair jet black Bombay cats, sisters to be specific, Cheryl and Carol. We came finally to the conclusion that we could be whoever we wanted to be, and that was powerful.